I Know My First Name Is Steven - by: Mike Echols (1991, 1999)

"The true story of the Steven Stayner abduction case." I never heard about this case until I saw a documentary about it on 20/20 (or something) several weeks ago. Because it all happened around the same time that I myself was learning first hand about sex hysteria in the U.S. (the 1970s), I decided to check it out. I think the interesting thing about "true crime" books from over 20 years ago is that they usually read like a porn novel, and this book was no exception.

For example: "[Steven] tried to pull away from his captor's grip. Brusquely, though the kidnapper shoved the little boy's head down over his exposed, erect penis, Steven's copious tears and entreaties to Parnell to take him home not deterring the aroused pedophile as he repeatedly ejaculated inside the trembling child's mouth."

Really? I mean, REALLY? That's what happened? Is that how Steven remembers it? Or the kidnapper, Parnell? I seriously doubt if that's how it happened at all! It's far too dramatic. But it sure does sell books, doesn't it?

As an experienced "child rapist" and "rape victim" myself I could tell that neither Parnell's nor Steven's accounts of events were very close to the truth. And the author clearly obscured events even further by adding such dramatic flair. In ways, no doubt, what really happened was much worse, but could never be expressed with words. For example, the author never once mentions blood or shit, even after very graphically detailing the first time Parnell anally raped Steven face down on a bed. It was all just lust and orgasm, even referring to the boy as Parnell's "young sex partner".

I learned something though. I realize now more than ever that my own "crime" against the 14-year-old boy that I "raped" (orally) when I was just sixteen myself was more the result of a morally corrupt social system and the "messages" it sends than it ever was my own confused attempt to find a place in this world. In other words; yes, I was a "confused kid" acting out of my misguided need for some sense of sexual identity (as demanded hormonally by nature), but the confusion I felt and acted on did not come from within me as much as it came from the kind of hypocritical social-sexual messages that this book so brusquely illustrates.

Of course it's never as simple as that either, which I will always insist. It is much more complex, so much so that all our attempts to "understand" and "fix" the problem (and/or "the System") are futile. As I've said so many times before, the only cure for crime is love; everything else is just more crime. And this book is nothing more than child porn for the kind of person who condemns child porn in order to tell themselves and everyone else how morally righteous they are.

[J.D. March 15, 2019] 

The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things - by: J.T. LeRoy (2001, 2016)

I stumbled upon this book on a prison book cart here in the SCU ("death row"). I think it's brilliant the way it shows the connection between a child's experiences and adult "perversion". I also like the way it seems to dismissively depict the way our social system only pretends to help and to care, not to mention the profoundly hypocritical religious "solutions". I felt like crying at the end for the same reason that the dedication drew me in...

"And when this happens to you, 

you believe nobody knows and nobody cares."

Beyond Good And Evil - by: Friedrich Nietzsche (1886)

I read this as apart of a discussion I've been having with my fiancée about the way society judges and condemns so much so ignorantly. I personally think Nietzsche is clearly brilliant and well informed, but I can't help but also think that he doesn't carry his own ideas far enough. His conclusions seem premature and self-serving. I respect his intelligence, but I don't like his perspective... it's quite "scary" to me in fact, not only because of the damage it has already caused (particularly in the 20th century), but because of the damage this sort of "conclusive" thinking will continue to cause in the future. It prevents people from seeing a broader, more inclusive truth/reality. It limits our "will to power" to mankind's ignorant and incapable hands (and minds). To me there is so much more!

The Awakening of Intelligence - by Jiddu Krishnamurti (1973, re-issued 1987)

This book took me over a month to read, not because it was dull or uninteresting (which is usually the reason it takes me a long time to read a book), but because it fascinated me so much that I wanted to relish every section for days before I continued.

Krishnamurti comes closer than anyone I have ever read to expressing exactly what it was that I realized that caused me to stop killing and turn myself in, the "epiphany" as I usually call it. What he calls "intelligence", I call "the Living Truth". It is the very real and infinitely meaningful source of our Being, which we can never know anything ABOUT, but can know completely and intimately, by simply forsaking the illusions (or "images" as Krishnamurti calls them in this book) that our mind creates in a desperate and delusional attempt to save itself from "death".

It was this illusion that, for reasons I will never fully fathom, I was allowed to see past as my entire delusional world came crumbling down. And, it has been my hope and my belief ever since, that the same will happen, and happen soon, for the rest of us, because if it doesn't, then we will all be doomed (destroyed) by the consequences of our delusional thinking.

On Fear - by Jiddu Krishnamurti (1995)

This book was a gift from my fiancée, and it shows how much she really loves and understands me. She first introduced me to Jiddu Krishnamurti less than a year ago, so I never knew of him or his thinking before. And yet he almost perfectly reflects my own thinking and understanding. Of course, Jiddu is far more astute in his ability to convey and practice what he understands as the Truth, which he refers to as a living thing the same way I do. He was clearly a brilliant man and teacher, though he himself would probably deny such claims. Fear, he says, is the root of all suffering; and, like me, he sees the current social systems of our world (government, religious, even academic) as corrupted by fear, which they propagate ignorantly in desperate pursuit of illusory power, control, and order that they will never achieve. Also, like me, he sees the possibility for real and meaningful change only when enough people in this world look within for the truth, and stop seeing themselves as separate from what they observe (both inside themselves and outside). And perhaps more importantly, he emphasizes that we must find the "answers" (a.k.a. "salvation") for ourselves, and never under any circumstance let another person or institution tell us what we need to do, think, or believe in order to be happy.

Excerpts:

• "Where there is comparison, there must be fear." (pg.2)
• "To live with a living thing such as fear requires a mind and heart that are extraordinarily subtle, that have no conclusion and can therefore follow every movement of fear." (pg. 11)
• "When you see that you are a part of fear, not separate from it - that you are fear - that you cannot do anything about it; then fear comes totally to an end." (pg. 11)
• "There is no 'individual' mind at all - we are all totally related." (pg. 13)
• "To learn about myself I cannot follow anybody. If I follow anybody, I am not learning [about myself]." (pg. 34)
• "... society and the [elders] think fear is necessary to keep you in right behavior." (pg. 45)
• "Though all religions preach love, though they preach brotherhood, though they talk about the unity of mankind, they all subtly, or very brutally, grossly, maintain this sense of fear." (pg. 45)
• "A [system] based on fear of any kind is a rotten [system]; it should not be." (pg. 45)
• "None of these problems of fear can be resolved through will - saying to oneself, 'I will not be afraid.' Such acts of will have no meaning." (pg. 53)
• "... fear is the other side of the coin that is called pleasure." (pg. 55)
• "The self-interest in our life is the cause of fear." (pg. 86)
• "... in every religion, self-interest is dominant." (pg. 86)
• "Self-understanding is the awakening and ending of fear." (pg. 93)

The End Of Alice - by: A.M. Homes (1996)

This was by far the most frightening book I have read in a very long time. I enjoyed it thoroughly. But, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone except an avid connoisseur of insanity like myself, and my beloved.

The History of Sexuality - Volume 1: An Introduction --- by: Michel Foucault (1976, 1978 English, 1990 Vintage Books Edition)

My fiancée bought me this entire set (three volumes) on "sexuality" by Foucault, showing how well she knows me and understands my thirst for understanding "sex" and so-called "sexuality". Foucault explains that the whole concept of sexuality did not even exist before the industrial revolution when the power structure began using it as a means to further its control over the masses. The first volume is an explanation of the basic philosophical concepts and ideas that are necessary to understand Foucault's more in depth look at the history (and development) of "sexuality" by studying social attitudes toward sex going all the way back to Greek and Roman times. He gives words and expression to a lot of basic ideas that I have long been acutely aware of, especially the way most people are deceived by the commonly held social and pseudo-science of sex ("scientia sexualis" as Foucault calls it) and "sexuality". This false view supports a very distorted and "perverted" (as Foucault himself says) social order that corrupts our children, our morals, and our natural ability to think and fend for ourselves, all to support and justify the power structure (a.k.a. "authorities").

Anyone who really wants to understand why I did what I did (rape/murder) should read this book. It's an excellent "introduction" to the cultural and social history that lead to my type of crimes, and continues to do so. Except Foucault takes it much further than that. He explains that the real "perverts" in our culture are all the so-called "experts" telling us who the "perverts" are. We live in a perverted culture of perverts telling us all the ways everyone else is perverted. (Of course I'm over-simplifying Foucault's philosophy in my own interest. So you'll have to read these books for yourself to appreciate Foucault's real genius.)